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April 02, 2008

Self-doubt

Some days I call "questioning my worth as a human being" days. That's a gross exaggeration, of course. But it's true that there are times when I worry and wonder whether I'm a neglectful, selfish, or possibly just lame mother, wife, friend, or worker bee. Agh, I'm just exaggerating again. But I DO - almost - wonder that. I think I'm going to be getting my period soon.

Jeff's gone this week, after yet another weekend he worked the whole time. I get cranky about that. Especially after folding 6 bags of laundry - why are his shirts so big? And does he really have to wear so many socks? Of course, I was the one who was gone last week, for 4 whole days, so I really shouldn't complain. Much. I was very sympathetic when he told me about how much Linna woke up at night while I was gone - though she wakes up when I'm here, too, it's just that HE doesn't have to wake up. I was less sympathetic when he was grumpy, though. Still, there was what I consider a fairly fine moment on Friday at lunch - Ethan was annoying Jeff by incessantly talking in his baby talk, which I don't think he's even aware of doing - it's just a habit he's picked up. Jeff asked him to stop a few times, Ethan wouldn't, so finally Jeff picked up his soup and escaped upstairs. That's actually a pretty good decision to make, I thought.

But where was I? I was supposed to be talking about what a terrible mother I am. Right, Jeff's gone, Ethan's been volatile since I came home, and yesterday Linna got up on the wrong side of the bed. She and Ethan argued for about 20 minutes about whether this little rubber creature was a rat or a mouse, both of them holding quite tenaciously to their positions. Then she absolutely refused to put on underwear - no big deal, though I had wanted to capitalize on Sunday's one-pair-of-underwear success - and yet she wouldn't let me put on a pull-up, either. She lay down on the floor, naked, trying to get a foot into the pull-up, crying, "I can do it, I can do it!" But she couldn't.

Anyway, it hasn't been all bad, but I admit I've felt a bit short-tempered. I would much rather be saintly and calm, never raising my voice or signaling my impatience by word or deed. And naturally enjoying every precious moment with my wonderful, beautiful kids - who are, in fact, truly wonderful and beautiful. But I can't seem to be that saintly mama. I just do my best not to twitch when Ethan yells "Mom!" the minute I try to escape into the bathroom to pee, and Linna trots in after me, wanting to nurse right that minute.

I need to slow down, be OK with a house that has bits of kid stuff everywhere, and I haven't done the taxes and a million other things, and I'm behind at work, and indeed haven't showered in several days too many. Linna is wearing Hello Kitty underwear, and her hair smells so nice and clean. Ethan stumbled through "Brahms' Lullaby" on the ukulele while I played the guitar, and Linna sang. These things are important.

Posted by ktingey at 06:18 AM | Comments (6)