April 02, 2008

Self-doubt

Some days I call "questioning my worth as a human being" days. That's a gross exaggeration, of course. But it's true that there are times when I worry and wonder whether I'm a neglectful, selfish, or possibly just lame mother, wife, friend, or worker bee. Agh, I'm just exaggerating again. But I DO - almost - wonder that. I think I'm going to be getting my period soon.

Jeff's gone this week, after yet another weekend he worked the whole time. I get cranky about that. Especially after folding 6 bags of laundry - why are his shirts so big? And does he really have to wear so many socks? Of course, I was the one who was gone last week, for 4 whole days, so I really shouldn't complain. Much. I was very sympathetic when he told me about how much Linna woke up at night while I was gone - though she wakes up when I'm here, too, it's just that HE doesn't have to wake up. I was less sympathetic when he was grumpy, though. Still, there was what I consider a fairly fine moment on Friday at lunch - Ethan was annoying Jeff by incessantly talking in his baby talk, which I don't think he's even aware of doing - it's just a habit he's picked up. Jeff asked him to stop a few times, Ethan wouldn't, so finally Jeff picked up his soup and escaped upstairs. That's actually a pretty good decision to make, I thought.

But where was I? I was supposed to be talking about what a terrible mother I am. Right, Jeff's gone, Ethan's been volatile since I came home, and yesterday Linna got up on the wrong side of the bed. She and Ethan argued for about 20 minutes about whether this little rubber creature was a rat or a mouse, both of them holding quite tenaciously to their positions. Then she absolutely refused to put on underwear - no big deal, though I had wanted to capitalize on Sunday's one-pair-of-underwear success - and yet she wouldn't let me put on a pull-up, either. She lay down on the floor, naked, trying to get a foot into the pull-up, crying, "I can do it, I can do it!" But she couldn't.

Anyway, it hasn't been all bad, but I admit I've felt a bit short-tempered. I would much rather be saintly and calm, never raising my voice or signaling my impatience by word or deed. And naturally enjoying every precious moment with my wonderful, beautiful kids - who are, in fact, truly wonderful and beautiful. But I can't seem to be that saintly mama. I just do my best not to twitch when Ethan yells "Mom!" the minute I try to escape into the bathroom to pee, and Linna trots in after me, wanting to nurse right that minute.

I need to slow down, be OK with a house that has bits of kid stuff everywhere, and I haven't done the taxes and a million other things, and I'm behind at work, and indeed haven't showered in several days too many. Linna is wearing Hello Kitty underwear, and her hair smells so nice and clean. Ethan stumbled through "Brahms' Lullaby" on the ukulele while I played the guitar, and Linna sang. These things are important.

Posted by ktingey at 06:18 AM | Comments (6)

January 22, 2008

Single mom

OK, not really. But Jeff's been gone an AWFUL lot lately. He was in Alaska for two weeks in December, and then in January so far, he's spent two weeks in Seattle - flying home in the middle just for Linna's birthday - and now a week in California.

It's actually not as hard as I anticipated. The two weeks in December WERE hard, partly because there was so much I felt I should be doing to get ready for the holidays. But I feel like now I have a sort of a rhythm with the kids (with Ethan especially, who's more challenging than Linna right now), and I lower my expectations in terms of cooking and doing anything else.

There are a few perks, too - I get to be totally in charge, for one. I guess that's a disadvantage, too. And I don't need to cook as well - Ethan is easily satisfied with things like noodles with butter and cheese, easy burritos, miso soup and rice. And I can just eat leftovers from lunch. I do still put some effort into lunch, but I can cook things that Jeff wouldn't like - butternut squash, for example. And he gets cranky with all the vegetarian meals, but of course our vegefishian nannies like it just fine. I even made a beet salad last week - yummy. Plus I made a salad from my new Cafe Flora cookbook (on sale at Powell's), with spiced nuts and pears warmed in an orange vinaigrette. Kaya really liked it, and Ethan chomped the extra nuts later. Oh, and then last night I made this Dutch potato soup from the book - beer and cheese in it too. Yummmmy. Ethan loved it, and Jeff liked it OK (or at least that's what he said - I think he's learned to be a little cautious in his comments on my cooking), and Mandy liked it but found it sleep-inducing.

Anyway, my main point was about being on my own... having to do it maybe got me a little more in tune with Ethan, a little better able to be patient, and set things up so it's smooth. When Jeff is around I sometimes get into this mode of wanting him to rescue me if things are difficult, and then when he's not here, I have to handle it myself. And then I realized that for the most part, I can handle it fine. Yeah, I know - there are plenty of moms who do all the child-watching most of the time anyway. But I'm not one of them, and frankly I am one of those people who needs peaceful time to recharge. Not that I get a lot of it anyway, but I do get moments here and there.

Posted by ktingey at 05:51 AM | Comments (6)

May 01, 2007

Late morning

Yawwwwn. What a morning. The night was great - Jeff's gone, so as usual Ethan wanted to sleep in the big bed with me and Linna. Miraculously, Linna slept soundly from about 9 pm until 4:30 am. That's a good stretch! She nursed briefly then slept the rest of the night. Ethan had a nightmare and woke up at about quarter to six, then fell back asleep.

Unfortunately, I guess I'd closed the curtains a little too much, and I didn't wake up until 8:15 - usually we leave for school at 8:30! Oops! So I rushed around trying to get everyone ready. Ethan was still sleeping, and really didn't want to wake up. He got very upset when I tried to help him put his clothes on. He really wanted to sleep more. I think he suddenly needs more sleep than he did - Jeff said this was a problem all last week, and then on the weekend he took a 5-hour nap on Saturday. Clearly all is not well in his sleep world. So we keep trying to move bedtime earlier, but it's hard when there's only one person (last week Jeff, this week me) getting both kids to bed. Anyway, he finally decided to put his clothes on this morning, and I hurriedly made his lunch and grabbed a bar for him to eat on the way. No coffee for me! We just made it to school, and then home again.

The good news is, our new temporary nanny is working out GREAT. We chose her very quickly based on her email and the interview, and fortunately our gut feeling worked out well this time. She was here all last week, and will fill in until our new longer-term nanny is finished with her current family. Kaya is mellow, seems very straightforward, and really engages with the kiddos and takes charge. They play outside a lot (she's a soccer player), and go for walks. She takes Teddy on the walks, too, to the dog park, and also wears him out here at home by throwing the ball for him. Anyway, we like her a lot. Our longer-term new nanny has a baby just a few months younger than Linna, and they really hit it off at the interview - they were so cute together! Since Ethan's at preschool a lot right now anyway, it will be nice for Linna to have a playmate.

Posted by ktingey at 06:19 PM | Comments (9)

March 01, 2007

One quiet moment

So I'm the last one standing. Ethan got a stomach bug last Friday - poor kid - and seemed well recovered by Sunday. Then Sunday night he threw up a few more times. We took turns sleeping on a mattress on the floor in his room. Jeff and I engaged in serious handwashing, and we thought we were almost clear when Linna tossed her oatmeal onto her tray at dinner on Monday night. She was so bewildered by the experience. She had a bad time until the food was all gone, but then we just stuck to nursing all night (after I'd pumped so she wouldn't get as much right away) and she kept that down for the most part. She still had diarrhea, though, and we were going through pajamas like crazy.

Jeff had had a nasty cold last week, which I acquired on Monday. So Jeff was on duty for the most part on Tuesday, as we told Mya not to come and risk infection anymore than she already had. I think I didn't leave the house at all for two days. Mya came half of Wednesday, then went home feeling queasy. Then Wednesday night Jeff went down.

I guess if we didn't have kids I'd be trying to take care of Jeff a little, if he would let me. But instead, Linna and I fled the premises and slept upstairs together.

So this morning, I was doing OK getting everyone ready so I could take Ethan to school. I made breakfast, made Ethan's lunch, got dressed (didn't brush my hair or wash my face because I was afraid of the bathroom), got Ethan and Linna dressed. We were just about to go when Linna had the most incredible poop ever. It went all the way up her back, all the way up her front, and on the outside of her diaper in front so that I had to wade through the stuff just to get her diaper off. It was disgusting. (She, however, remained adorable as she had through the entire puking, diarrhea-ing experience.)

Needless to say, we were running late, more so when I got outside and discovered Teddy had been running around out front for who knows how long.

As we were driving along, Ethan was copying everything Linna was saying, which she loved. I realized it could be the most peaceful moment of my whole day, so I took a few deep breaths and enjoyed it.

Posted by ktingey at 07:01 PM | Comments (8)

October 24, 2006

Retrospective

So I'm doing this training to be a peer counselor for the Nursing Mothers Counsel of Oregon. It's pretty exciting, and there are many cool women in the training and in the group. I'm a little nervous about answering live phone calls, but hopefully it will get more comfortable.

It definitely makes me think about my experience with Linna more, though. I mean, I know how lucky we were with her, that she was fine, that she could nurse, and all that. But I can't help but look back and wish I had known more about nursing a preemie. I'm not sure why I didn't ask for a book about while I was on bedrest, so I could have been better prepared.

Part of the training involved getting a copy of LLL's "The Breastfeeding Answer Book," which is quite the breastfeeding bible. There's a whole chapter on premature babies, and I learned something new: that studies have shown that breastfeeding is less physically stressful to babies than bottlefeeding, which is basically the opposite of what they told me in the NICU. The procedure was always to try nursing first, then when she pooped out, fill a bottle with the missing amount of breastmilk, and try that until she pooped out. Then do the rest by gavage. I remember that several times I chose to skip the bottle part and go straight to gavage, partly because I was tired myself, and partly because I wanted her to be as well-rested as possible for the next nursing session. So I guess that was the right approach, which is nice to know.

The training is held in a conference room at Legacy Emanuel, so Linna and I were there most of the day Saturday. During lunch we went up to the NICU and got her picture taken for their little "Look who's come to visit" project. It was a little weird to go back in through that door, even though of course I couldn't go all the way in. But I remember it so clearly - the handwashing, the beeping, all of that. Even though we were there such a short time, and she did very well, it was still a hard time.

Posted by ktingey at 07:05 PM | Comments (6)

October 11, 2006

Hard night

Last night was not a good one. Linna got some shots yesterday, and she was a little hotbox all night, and constantly wanted to nurse. Just as Jeff took her away to rock her to sleep and give me a break, Ethan woke up screaming with a bloody nose. (That happens to him sometimes when it's dry, as it is now... used to happen to me all the time too.) He drifted back to sleep pretty fast when I held him in my arms and rocked him... good workout for my stomach, as I wasn't leaning on anything. And he's a heavy boy.

Yesterday evening there was a fundraising night for the preschool at Papa's Pizza. We went, a little late, all set to buy some pizza and play in the play area with the other kids. Ethan promptly threw up on the floor. Tossed his cookie, as it were - an Oreo he'd had earlier. We couldn't be sure if he was actually sick, or if it was just a fluke, so we left right away. The Bowmans kindly gave us a few pieces of pizza, which we ate in the car. Poor Ethan was pretty disappointed, to go there and see all his Harmony friends playing, and then just have to leave. But he really handled it pretty well. And then he turned out not to be sick at all, so we could have stayed... but it would have been irresponsible to stay without being sure, so I guess we did the right thing.

Anyway, we're all a little sleepy today... we didn't get up until 8:20, which isn't good considering we need to leave by around 8:35 to make it to preschool. Still, we were pretty close.

Posted by ktingey at 07:18 PM | Comments (7)

October 09, 2006

Why do I have to be the mom all the time?

Sometimes it's hard. Lately - maybe since preschool started? - Ethan just wants nothing but to be with me. Mostly he wants to stay home and play games. Friday he didn't want to go to preschool, but I got him to go by saying I'd pick him up, too. So I both drove him and picked him up, and then after lunch we played backgammon while Mya got Linna to sleep. So we got some time. Then Saturday I decided to just spend almost the whole day just with him. Most of the day we played board games. Then Ethan was supposed to go to Home Depot with Jeff so I could garden, but he decided to garden with me instead. That was fine, fun in fact. Linna was unusually fussy and refusing to sleep, which made the evening difficult, but we finished nicely with a 'campfire' outside. Then bedtime - Ethan was difficult again.

Sunday he also wanted to play all day with me and only me. I needed to go buy groceries, so after lunch I was trying to hurry him through Acquire, and he resisted with all his might. He dawdles on his turn, makes the pieces fly up in the air, starts to cry and scream when I do something not quite the way he wants. Finally I had to just stop and tell him it wasn't fun anymore, which didn't go over very well, let me tell you. I was frustrated, he was frustrated, and Jeff was frustrated trying to distract him. I was in the bedroom trying to get Linna to sleep (ugh! impossible), and I heard Ethan crying again about something. Taking off his shoes.

At that point I decided I needed to just offer some love and stop fighting him. So I asked him to nap with me, and we had nana in the bed. Read a few chapters of our current book, the third Boxcar Children. He calmed down.

But still, I worry. (That's my job.) I worry that he isn't getting enough attention and time. I worry that I don't have enough energy to give him any more. He will probably be scarred for life.

Posted by ktingey at 06:25 PM | Comments (7)

September 21, 2006

And indeed, we have a new nanny

Her name is Mya. She's a musician. She's young - just out of college - and very enthusiastic. I'm enthusiastic, too, because she's incredibly helpful about things like laundry and dishes. In the mornings she just has Linna, so while Linna naps, she does stuff. It's fantastic. She also made lunch yesterday, which was nice. But most important, of course, is that she engages Ethan and they really have fun together.

Posted by ktingey at 06:12 PM | Comments (11)

August 28, 2006

Looking for a new nanny

Brittain's moving on to other things, after staying with us for a year. So we've been interviewing for a new nanny. Actually, we've had great luck - so far we've interviewed three great people. Last time we ended up interviewing many people that we didn't like at all. This time we've liked everyone - one has already taken another job, unfortunately. But we have two others we're considering, and a third we're interviewing today. So we hope to make a decision this week, because we can't do another week like last week! Matty's back from vacation, but got a job (yay!) so she can't be our backup anymore. She's going to be terribly busy. We'll still call her for occasional weekend babysitting, that's for sure. Anyway, Jeff's taking today off to watch the kids, and tomorrow we have a trial day for one of the potential new nannies. We'll get through somehow.

Posted by ktingey at 05:34 PM | Comments (7)

Perils of mommying

For the past week I've had a pair of shoes near the back door. Sometimes I tried to put them on, usually when I had my hands full, but there was something in the right one, so I would just find a different pair. This morning there were no other shoes there, so I put down what I had in my hands (full compost bin in this case), and finally dumped out the contents - Ethan's little lemon car was wedged into the toe.

Posted by ktingey at 05:20 PM | Comments (2)

July 27, 2006

Bed

Most of the time these days Ethan goes to sleep in his own bed, though he still joins us during the night or in the morning. It's a good arrangement. For a long time the four of us were sharing the bed, which fortunately is a king, but still. An almost-4-year-old takes up a lot more room than you'd expect. He's gotten so tall. I don't know where all that leg suddenly appeared from. A 6-foot-7 husband, on the other hand, takes up exactly how much room you'd expect. So it gets crowded, especially because Ethan tends to gravitate towards me during the night, and I usually have Linna next to me so if she wakes up I can just nurse her (usually only once a night).

Right now Jeff's away, so it was just the three of us in the bed. Plenty of room, right? Even so, by morning I was completely hemmed in, being squished on one side by a lightly snoring baby, and on the other by a warm little boy. Periodically I moved him away from me, but he always rolled back.

Posted by ktingey at 05:11 PM | Comments (6)

June 26, 2006

Signing up

I've been in a frenzy of signing up for things. Partly to fill the void that's left by not doing taiko right now, and partly in an attempt to be a little more social. Here's what I've signed up for:

- Swimming lessons for Ethan and for me - gulp! - tennis!
- Starting a parents group in the Mt. Tabor area (organized by someone else, but I'll help)
- Two volunteer activities: sprucing up Mt. Tabor in August, and "Knitting for Newborns" in July. The knitting one was a whim, but it just caught my eye on Hands On Portland. They knit things for babies in the NICU at Legacy Emanuel.
- I sent an email to get information about the peer counselor training program by the Nursing Mothers Council of Oregon.

I think that's it! Ah, summer...

Posted by ktingey at 06:11 AM | Comments (8)

May 18, 2006

Two kids

One of the best things about having two kids is getting those moments when we're all cuddled up together, one kid on each shoulder. Often this happens when they're both nursing, which is great when it works. Ethan often reaches out and holds her fist in his hand. It's cute when they're looking into each other's eyes, both nursing.

But it's one of the hardest things, too, when it's NOT working, because Linna's squirming and fussing and scratching me with her little cat claws. She pulls off, milk dribbles everywhere, and then she rubs her face in it trying to get back on. She has to be sort of on top of me, and I think sometimes she's just too tired. Sometimes she spits up on me, as you'd expect. Ethan's a pro at nursing, but he does have lots of teeth and sometimes if the position is wrong I get toothmarks. Toothmarks, scratches, and soggy all over. And when I nurse either one of them, sometimes I can feel myself getting hungrier as they go. Then I'm not so fond of it.

Posted by ktingey at 06:26 PM | Comments (6)

April 19, 2006

An older mom

Last week a young fellow told me about his sister, who's having a baby soon. He explained that it was a scheduled thing, due to complications, because "She's older. She's 36."

Happy birthday, me! I'm 36 today.

Posted by ktingey at 11:15 PM | Comments (8)