I could not have borne going through the night alone (Jeff's in Alaska, poor guy, though he said he found a cafe that is a bastion of liberal people). So we went to a kid-friendly election party that was too crazy at first, but better as the night went on. They had maps for the kids to color, and Ethan got really into that. I've been so obsessed with this election that he's certainly been aware of it - he liked to say, "Obama HAS to win, so he can stop the war in Iraq." Linna's take on the issues is simpler - she chants "O-ba-ma! O-ba-ma!" or says, "Yay, it's the Obama show!" Ethan will remember this election, I know that. It was memorable, when they called the election for Obama, the room just erupted in cheers. And I was so happy to be with Ann and Zack and Mandy. I feel we all evolved our political selves together, way back in Bush I days in college. There were also tons of other people I knew there - Harmony people, Richmond people, and Aileah and Adrian too (which made Linna VERY happy). It made me really appreciate the Portland community of families I've come to know.

Not long after they called the election for Obama, while Ethan was still frantically coloring states blue, McCain conceded. Linna was awfully tired by that time, and she just went ballistic. She was crying in a very piercing way (I'm sure it was quite distracting to those around us). It was hard to understand what she was saying, but it eventually resolved into, "I want OBAMA! I want OBAMA!" I guess she doesn't care much for McCain. I can't say that I blame her, although his speech was good. I just wish he'd run his campaign on those same principles. Can he really pretend now that he didn't encourage the elements of his supporters that booed at Obama's name? Well, time will tell if those divisions can be healed. But I for one am truly excited about Obama as a president. With Bush I can't even watch him speak - he just gives me the heebie-jeebies and makes me enraged. He smirks! Obama, on the other hand, is an inspiring, thoughtful speaker, and I look forward to listening to him. And to seeing what he plans and how he continues to inspire people to help repair this crazy country.

At last, I can breathe! We've really done it.

What the heck did we have on Saturday? I know it was good, but I can't remember what it was. Oh yes! Was that when we had grilled fish? I think so. Grilled halibut, made simply with salt and pepper. Green beans with almonds and butter. And.... Pearl Bakery bread and some Old Amsterdam? Yes. There must have been something else, but I can't remember what. Anyway, 'twas good.

Sometimes when I do talk to people about it, and they're saying how hard it must have been, I find myself trying to explain instead how lucky we are, Erika and I. I also feel terribly unlucky to have lost her, and that it was monstrously unfair, that she wouldn't get to have real conversations with Ethan, would never know Linna, or Dylan. Unfair that other people have mothers who are alive, mothers they complain about, who drive them crazy, when we had a mother who supported us and loved us and saw us as we really are, and she's gone.

And yet, that time when Mom was dying was so precious, in a way that's hard to explain. How lucky, that we didn't have unresolved issues coming between us or that we were trying frantically to resolve. How lucky, that we had the time and the closeness to express our love for each other clearly and often. How lucky, that Mom could finish her life peacefully and gracefully - grace was always important to her - and die at home, as I think most people would choose.

How lucky that we had a year after we knew she was sick and possibly dying. How lucky that she didn't suffer for ten years instead. How lucky that for the most part, she was optimistic throughout that time, until it became clear that she wasn't going to get better.

How lucky that our father, from whom Mom had been separated for almost a decade, still loved her and supported her, and us, through her illness. How lucky that instead of being uncomfortable with our mother's boyfriend, Dad became friends with him.

One of the things that is hardest to remember and also explain is how privileged I feel that Erika and I were there, taking care of her, especially that last day when she didn't wake up. I wasn't yet thinking about how many days and years I would have without her, without talking to her and actually having her talk back. I just loved her, as perfectly, I think, as a person can love another. She was beautiful, not physically, just beautiful. She had no hair, she had a tumor on her chest that was so awful I had found it difficult to look at in its entirety when I saw it a few weeks before she died. She had become thin. But god, god, she was my mother, and I had those moments with her and my sister, those last hours that she still breathed.

How lucky that the last words she said to me were, mumbled: "Love you, sweetie." Even more, how lucky that I already knew.

Jeff's gone this week, after yet another weekend he worked the whole time. I get cranky about that. Especially after folding 6 bags of laundry - why are his shirts so big? And does he really have to wear so many socks? Of course, I was the one who was gone last week, for 4 whole days, so I really shouldn't complain. Much. I was very sympathetic when he told me about how much Linna woke up at night while I was gone - though she wakes up when I'm here, too, it's just that HE doesn't have to wake up. I was less sympathetic when he was grumpy, though. Still, there was what I consider a fairly fine moment on Friday at lunch - Ethan was annoying Jeff by incessantly talking in his baby talk, which I don't think he's even aware of doing - it's just a habit he's picked up. Jeff asked him to stop a few times, Ethan wouldn't, so finally Jeff picked up his soup and escaped upstairs. That's actually a pretty good decision to make, I thought.

But where was I? I was supposed to be talking about what a terrible mother I am. Right, Jeff's gone, Ethan's been volatile since I came home, and yesterday Linna got up on the wrong side of the bed. She and Ethan argued for about 20 minutes about whether this little rubber creature was a rat or a mouse, both of them holding quite tenaciously to their positions. Then she absolutely refused to put on underwear - no big deal, though I had wanted to capitalize on Sunday's one-pair-of-underwear success - and yet she wouldn't let me put on a pull-up, either. She lay down on the floor, naked, trying to get a foot into the pull-up, crying, "I can do it, I can do it!" But she couldn't.

Anyway, it hasn't been all bad, but I admit I've felt a bit short-tempered. I would much rather be saintly and calm, never raising my voice or signaling my impatience by word or deed. And naturally enjoying every precious moment with my wonderful, beautiful kids - who are, in fact, truly wonderful and beautiful. But I can't seem to be that saintly mama. I just do my best not to twitch when Ethan yells "Mom!" the minute I try to escape into the bathroom to pee, and Linna trots in after me, wanting to nurse right that minute.

I need to slow down, be OK with a house that has bits of kid stuff everywhere, and I haven't done the taxes and a million other things, and I'm behind at work, and indeed haven't showered in several days too many. Linna is wearing Hello Kitty underwear, and her hair smells so nice and clean. Ethan stumbled through "Brahms' Lullaby" on the ukulele while I played the guitar, and Linna sang. These things are important.

Let's see... I sliced two yellow onions, thinly, and sauteed them in butter and olive oil for about 20 minutes, until they were sweet and yummy. Added a few cloves of minced garlic towards the end of that time. And a teaspoon or so of sugar, just to be sure of the sweetness. Then, while the spaghetti was cooking, I tossed in all the spinach we had - maybe 10 ounces - and let it cook down. Added salt and pepper. I had chopped some Kalamata olives, which I mixed in around then. And at the last minute I decided to put in some Brie, since we still had too much hanging around - I cut off the rinds and chopped it up, then added it. It melted, but not to the point of disappearing. Not TOO much Brie. And then some deliciously toasted pine nuts.

And I think that was it. 'Twas good!

So we were talking about getting a new car or a new used car, but I balked and resisted. I wanted a small car, a hybrid car, and now, finally, no second car at all. Given our lifestyle, do we really NEED two cars? We both work at home, after all. True, when we need another, it's awfully nice to have - if we happen to be going different places one night, or if Jeff has to drive to Seattle. But most days the only driving that HAS to happen is taking Ethan to school. We even carpool on pickups. And if you consider what it costs to maintain and insure a car, much less to buy a new one, one begins to wonder. Or at least I do.

My radical proposal is that we at least try being a one-car family and give it a fair chance. It would mean Jeff likely renting a car when he has to go the office (in Seattle), since flying is even more inconvenient. And environmentally unsound. It may mean that if we're going in different directions, one of us has to - gasp! - take the bus. It's lowering to admit, but I only recently rode the bus in Portland for the first time. I mean, Portland has a great public transportation system. If we had to, we could take the bus all the way to Ethan's school - of course, then I'd be spending two hours getting him there and then getting home again. But I COULD.

I'll let you know how it goes.

It's actually not as hard as I anticipated. The two weeks in December WERE hard, partly because there was so much I felt I should be doing to get ready for the holidays. But I feel like now I have a sort of a rhythm with the kids (with Ethan especially, who's more challenging than Linna right now), and I lower my expectations in terms of cooking and doing anything else.

There are a few perks, too - I get to be totally in charge, for one. I guess that's a disadvantage, too. And I don't need to cook as well - Ethan is easily satisfied with things like noodles with butter and cheese, easy burritos, miso soup and rice. And I can just eat leftovers from lunch. I do still put some effort into lunch, but I can cook things that Jeff wouldn't like - butternut squash, for example. And he gets cranky with all the vegetarian meals, but of course our vegefishian nannies like it just fine. I even made a beet salad last week - yummy. Plus I made a salad from my new Cafe Flora cookbook (on sale at Powell's), with spiced nuts and pears warmed in an orange vinaigrette. Kaya really liked it, and Ethan chomped the extra nuts later. Oh, and then last night I made this Dutch potato soup from the book - beer and cheese in it too. Yummmmy. Ethan loved it, and Jeff liked it OK (or at least that's what he said - I think he's learned to be a little cautious in his comments on my cooking), and Mandy liked it but found it sleep-inducing.

Anyway, my main point was about being on my own... having to do it maybe got me a little more in tune with Ethan, a little better able to be patient, and set things up so it's smooth. When Jeff is around I sometimes get into this mode of wanting him to rescue me if things are difficult, and then when he's not here, I have to handle it myself. And then I realized that for the most part, I can handle it fine. Yeah, I know - there are plenty of moms who do all the child-watching most of the time anyway. But I'm not one of them, and frankly I am one of those people who needs peaceful time to recharge. Not that I get a lot of it anyway, but I do get moments here and there.

Anyway, here's more or less what it was, for posterity:

I sauteed 1/2 a chopped onion and 3 cloves minced garlic in 2 tbs butter. Then after a bit I added about 1 oz chopped prosciutto and 1 small gold potato, chopped into about 1/2-in cubes. Not peeled. Then I added a bay leaf, maybe 1 cup of veggie broth, and enough water to cover everything nicely. I let that cook whilst I roasted 1/2 a package of frozen white corn in a 400-degree oven. When everything was more or less cooked (15 minutes, maybe?), I added the corn in and then used the handy immersion blender to partially puree the lot. Then I added some heavy cream... I think it was about 1/2 cup, perhaps a bit more. And turned the heat down. I used canned crab, but refrigerated canned crab from Trader Joe's - it was a big can of premium claw meat, not sure how much there was. I sauteed that in butter just to warm it up, and then had to slap Jeff's hands away from it because he wanted to eat it. Finally, I added the crab, plus a little salt and pepper (I tend to under-salt things. We all added pepper at the table).

And EVERYONE loved it.

We've also had fun with our "sunflower potatoes" - that's what I tell Ethan the sunchoke is. I really like them, though Jeff is less of a fan. He likes the sunchoke gratin, which is basically just sunchoke slices baked with butter and parmesan. He wasn't crazy about the cream of sunchoke soup, though I imagine he would have liked it better if it hadn't been vegetarian. And he made pepperoni and sunchoke pizza a few weeks ago, which was suprisingly good.

First, 1/2 of a really big onion, chopped, sauteed in butter and olive oil. Then I added about a tablespoon of whole cumin, and fried that for a while, then a pinch of saffron, squished. Then I added about a cup of red lentils and stirred it around. Then, a cup of veggie broth, and about 4 cups of water. Some salt, 2 cloves of crushed garlic. I let it simmer for about half an hour. (Then it had to sit for a while because it was just too early for lunch.) Finally, I added about 1/4 cup of rice - OK, OK, so I just put some in. I really don't know how much it was, but not that much. I cooked that for a while, then added some more salt and some pepper at the end. And that's it! I served it with yogurt that just had lemon and salt in. Got rave reviews all around, though I cannily pureed Ethan's portion first so he wouldn't know about the onions.

12 oz wide rice noodles (pad thai noodles)
2 tblsp vegetable oil
1 cup bean sprouts
2-3 cloves garlic, peeled and chopped
4 green onions, trimmed and sliced

2 eggs, lightly beaten
16 oz firm tofu, or 16 oz prawns, peeled and deveined, or a combination

1/4 cup fish sauce (nam pla)
1/4 cup rice vinegar
1/4 cup brown sugar
1 tblsp ketchup

2 dried red chilies (I used Thai bird peppers)
1/2 cup roasted unsalted peanuts (or you can roast raw ones in a skillet)
Lime wedges
Fresh cilantro

Soak rice noodles in hot water for 10-15 minutes, or until a little soft but not squishy. Drain.
Mix fish sauce, vinegar, sugar, and ketchup together and set aside.

Dry-roast chilies in a small pan until browned. Cut off stems, but leave seeds (unless you don't want it too spicy). Grind in a food processor or clean coffee grinder. Grind peanuts until chopped but not until they turn into peanut butter. Set both chilies and peanuts aside.

Drain tofu, and press lightly with a paper towel to remove excess water. Slice tofu into cubes or strips.

Heat oil in a wok until hot but not smoking. Add garlic and green onions and stir-fry for 30 seconds. Add tofu, if using, and stir-fry until golden brown. Add prawns and stir-fry until just pink. Add noodles and stir gently to mix with oil. Pour fish sauce mixture on and stir to mix. Cook until sauce is mostly absorbed and noodles are soft, stirring occasionally.

Push noodles aside and pour in a little more oil. Pour in eggs and cover with noodles. Let cook until almost set, then stir to mix with noodles. Add bean sprouts and mix again, then remove from heat.

Put in a bowl and sprinkle with cilantro, ground chilies, and ground peanuts. Serve with lime wedges.

I made the fish sort of like a recipe in "A Taste of Africa," which also has Caribbean-style stuff. It called for whole fish, which I didn't have, and tamarind paste, which I also didn't have. And I didn't want (or have) red, green, or yellow peppers. And OK, I also skipped the mushrooms and lemon thyme. So it was only loosely related, really.

Anyway - I rubbed a bunch of ginger, salt and pepper, and some olive oil on the fish, then baked it for 15 minutes or so. I sauteed red onion, garlic, and more ginger in olive oil, then added sugar and sauteed it a bit more... then I added turmeric, mushroom stock, and white wine. Cooked it for a while. Just before we ate I put the fish in the sauce and bubbled it for a bit, then sprinkled cilantro on top. Yummy!

Unfortunately, I guess I'd closed the curtains a little too much, and I didn't wake up until 8:15 - usually we leave for school at 8:30! Oops! So I rushed around trying to get everyone ready. Ethan was still sleeping, and really didn't want to wake up. He got very upset when I tried to help him put his clothes on. He really wanted to sleep more. I think he suddenly needs more sleep than he did - Jeff said this was a problem all last week, and then on the weekend he took a 5-hour nap on Saturday. Clearly all is not well in his sleep world. So we keep trying to move bedtime earlier, but it's hard when there's only one person (last week Jeff, this week me) getting both kids to bed. Anyway, he finally decided to put his clothes on this morning, and I hurriedly made his lunch and grabbed a bar for him to eat on the way. No coffee for me! We just made it to school, and then home again.

The good news is, our new temporary nanny is working out GREAT. We chose her very quickly based on her email and the interview, and fortunately our gut feeling worked out well this time. She was here all last week, and will fill in until our new longer-term nanny is finished with her current family. Kaya is mellow, seems very straightforward, and really engages with the kiddos and takes charge. They play outside a lot (she's a soccer player), and go for walks. She takes Teddy on the walks, too, to the dog park, and also wears him out here at home by throwing the ball for him. Anyway, we like her a lot. Our longer-term new nanny has a baby just a few months younger than Linna, and they really hit it off at the interview - they were so cute together! Since Ethan's at preschool a lot right now anyway, it will be nice for Linna to have a playmate.

Jeff had had a nasty cold last week, which I acquired on Monday. So Jeff was on duty for the most part on Tuesday, as we told Mya not to come and risk infection anymore than she already had. I think I didn't leave the house at all for two days. Mya came half of Wednesday, then went home feeling queasy. Then Wednesday night Jeff went down.

I guess if we didn't have kids I'd be trying to take care of Jeff a little, if he would let me. But instead, Linna and I fled the premises and slept upstairs together.

So this morning, I was doing OK getting everyone ready so I could take Ethan to school. I made breakfast, made Ethan's lunch, got dressed (didn't brush my hair or wash my face because I was afraid of the bathroom), got Ethan and Linna dressed. We were just about to go when Linna had the most incredible poop ever. It went all the way up her back, all the way up her front, and on the outside of her diaper in front so that I had to wade through the stuff just to get her diaper off. It was disgusting. (She, however, remained adorable as she had through the entire puking, diarrhea-ing experience.)

Needless to say, we were running late, more so when I got outside and discovered Teddy had been running around out front for who knows how long.

As we were driving along, Ethan was copying everything Linna was saying, which she loved. I realized it could be the most peaceful moment of my whole day, so I took a few deep breaths and enjoyed it.

It definitely makes me think about my experience with Linna more, though. I mean, I know how lucky we were with her, that she was fine, that she could nurse, and all that. But I can't help but look back and wish I had known more about nursing a preemie. I'm not sure why I didn't ask for a book about while I was on bedrest, so I could have been better prepared.

Part of the training involved getting a copy of LLL's "The Breastfeeding Answer Book," which is quite the breastfeeding bible. There's a whole chapter on premature babies, and I learned something new: that studies have shown that breastfeeding is less physically stressful to babies than bottlefeeding, which is basically the opposite of what they told me in the NICU. The procedure was always to try nursing first, then when she pooped out, fill a bottle with the missing amount of breastmilk, and try that until she pooped out. Then do the rest by gavage. I remember that several times I chose to skip the bottle part and go straight to gavage, partly because I was tired myself, and partly because I wanted her to be as well-rested as possible for the next nursing session. So I guess that was the right approach, which is nice to know.

The training is held in a conference room at Legacy Emanuel, so Linna and I were there most of the day Saturday. During lunch we went up to the NICU and got her picture taken for their little "Look who's come to visit" project. It was a little weird to go back in through that door, even though of course I couldn't go all the way in. But I remember it so clearly - the handwashing, the beeping, all of that. Even though we were there such a short time, and she did very well, it was still a hard time.